Monday, January 31, 2005
Sighz~ i have nothing to say anymore. I'm really tired. Why do i still contact him when i know that he won't respond? Why do i bother telling him things about myself when i know that his reaction will be extremely cold and aloof? I'm really quite sick of the lack of determination i'm displaying... I mean i don't feel for him like i would feel for someone special anymore. So i'm messaging him just because i still want to be friends. But i know he won't respond. So seriously, why bother?
YYY
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I Never Loved You Anyway -- The Corrs
You bored me with your stories
I can't belive that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you
And when you go I will remember
To send a thankyou note to that girl Oh that girl
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say...
Just wanna say
I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away
Valentino, I don't think so
You watching MTV while I lie dreaming in an empty bed
And come to think of it
I was misled
My flat, my food, my everything
And thoughts inside my head
Before you go I must remember
To have a quiet word with that girl
Oh that girl
Does she know you're not a spender?
Well I just have to say...
Just wanna say
I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away
Yeah, I am
Yeah, I am
And when you go I will remember
I must remember to say...
I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I never loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
Never truly loved you anyway
I'm so happy you're moving away
Yeah I'm delighted you're moving away
Hmm... that's the song that's been playing in my head for the past two days. Don't know why i'll suddenly think of this song. Self deception perhaps? Oh well, like i always say, it doesn't really matter anymore. What's passed is past...No use thinking too much about it.
YYY
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
ahhah~ i can't believe i actually said it. I actually told Neil he looks like a pillow to me. He wasn't very surprised by it. Just said that it sounds worse than a piece of steak cos it's soft. Hahaz~ I never knew he cared so much about whether he has a firm chest or not... Well, i'll go try lie on his chest one of these days (and hope that i don't get killed by anyone) and then i'll update u guys again k? =) To be very honest, i think i find neil more of a teddy bear than a pillow. Well, his chest seems like it's very nice to lie on but the whole neil reminds me more of a teddy bear. Wonder if i ought to tell him this. Hahaz~ wonder how he'll respond.
Oh well, if i could convince him that being a pillow is good, i suppose i can also convince him that being called a teddy bear is good too... I have the gift of gab anyway... OoOpz~ a bit thick-skinned yea?
Anyway, i'm obviously in a good mood. Lalalala~ Hahaz~ how long has it been since i typed such a bright and cheery entry? Well, doesn't really matter anymore i guess.. i'm over that period of heart break already. =) Happy that it's now all behind me.
YYY
Signs that your heart is dying...
You act like nothing's happened but...
1) You're actually bleeding on the inside
2) You're not listening to a single thing your friend/lecturer just said.
3) You try very hard NOT to contact him
4) You delete all the possible contacts you have with him an a vain attempt to make him "invisible"
5) You cried youself to sleep the night before and woke up in the morning thinking of ways to give up on him.
6) You numb yourself with work and shopping.
Signs that i have...But well, i seriously think my heart is almost fully dead... I can joke and laugh already... I can be on MSN chatting to other people without thinking about whether he's online or not. Guess i'm almost there... my heart is gonna be in the freezer soon. That might be good for me i guess...GPA of 3.7 may not be impossible. =) (wah... first smile in my blog for the past few days!)
YYY
Monday, January 17, 2005
Hmm... 3rd entry for the day. Quite a miracle considering the fact that i once neglected my blog for 4 months. Goes to show the kind of emotional see saw i have been going through these few days. Sighz... if only man could control his emotions or not have it at all.
Btw, called him today in the afternoon cos i thought i had a missed call from him. Apparently i was wrong and he didn't call me. Wishful thinking on my part i guess. Well, he called back to ask why i called but we didn't talk for very long. Guess i wasn't really in the mood to talk. I was just trying very hard to hold back my tears cos i was really too upset with him for what he has or has not done. Anyway, he sounded like he still cared about me and that he had something on his mind and he asked me to give him a call tonight to talk.
I just ended lessons 15 mins ago, saw him online and asked if he's solved the problem he had with his paintshop. He didn't respond. After that i got angry and i just told him that i gtg. THEN, he responded. Sighz~ this really shows a lot doesn't it? Shows that he COULDN'T BE BOTHERED to reply to my message earlier cos he didn't wanna talk. Hmm.. once again, he expects me to understand that yea? Well, i'm afraid i don't and that has just made me more upset with him. What stupid attitude was that? He presumes that he can do anything he likes without even considering my feelings yea? I'm afraid he's presumed wrongly. What he did was extremely selfish and i don't think i will ever be able to understand that. Sighz` Oh well, that doesn't really matter anymore does it? Now what i have to think about is whether i should do what he asked and call him to talk tonight. I think he and i really need to talk to iron out certain issues but yet at the same time, i'm worried that he will tell me things that i don't wanna hear. Even if he says things i wanna hear, should i believe what he's saying? I don't wanna feel like a young girl who's gullible and easily coaxed by his honey-ed words again. That's the way i feel whenever he manages to convince me to change my mind on certain things. Obviously running away and not talking to him is much easier on me but i don't want this to drag on anymore. How long can i run away from this? If i continue to run, i will simply be subjecting myself to more emotional torture but if i don't, i dunno if i tolerate thinking about myself as an extremely gullible girl to him anymore. Sighz~ to call or not to call? Sighz~ shall decide only after i'm done with my MA readings. Work's more impt than him and it helps shut out all these emotions too...
*Takes out MA textbook*
YYY
You're getting damn good at it. Now i'm non-existent yea? Liang Tai, good for u!!! Keep it up... soon my heart will bleed so much it will die. Then, u won't have to worry yea? You won't need to worry about the fact that u cannot commit. You can just have your ideal back-up gf... She will be there only WHEN U WANT HER TO BE.
Seriously, i think you've lost a friend, you've totally lost my trust and love. Liang Tai, forget it, don't bother giving me excuses. I don't even care if it's cos u're busy or cos of something else... It doesn't even matter if u've only gotten 3 hours of sleep these past few days. It's YOUR problem, not mine. I'm hurt and that's that. That's all that matters to me. Those excuses that u will form in your mind to pacify me will not work. I simply can't make myself believe them anymore. It will be very hard for me to trust you anymore, almost impossible. It will be difficult for me to believe that u still care and that i still matter to u. What you've been doing these few days is more than enough to kill whatever relationship we shared. A bgr or a friendship or simply a relationship between a fling and his toy? Well, doesn't really matter anymore does it? Why bother to define it when it's already half dead... Soon enough, it will die. Then, u'll just be a hi-bye friend to me. That's what u want isn't it?
Well, soon enough u'll b getting EXACTLY what u want, happy? Wanna accelerate that process? Keep ignoring me then. You don't have to put in more effort. What you've done is enough. Good enough.
Thanks for killing my heart. I APPRECIATE that.
YYY
I'm pretty sure that i'm not being overly sensitive. I'm like 100% sure that he's avoiding me. No reply in MSN, no sms-es, no calling me on the phone to chat, not even replies to my sms-es... That sms i sent yesterday was so darn sweet i bet even a rock will have some response and all i got from him was a call saying he appreciated it. Why? Hmm... new girl in his life? Someone better? Someone who won't bother him when he's IN A QUIET MOOD?? Or is he just running away cos he thinks i'm getting too reliant on him? Cos i might actually start acting like a gf to him?
Oh well, whatever~ Seriously, loving him is hurting so much so often i think my heart might actually get numb very soon. In fact, my heart is slowly becoming numb already. Look at the way i'm writing in this entry and you can see. I think i should seriously just give up... I've been talking about it so often but now, i seriously mean it. If he doesn't wanna reply me on MSN then fine!! Don't reply. Sooner or later, me will get used to it. Then i'll just go back to being a free single. I can start flirting with guys i think are cute... I can start concentrating on my lessons more. I might even get a GPA of 3.7 for this term!!! Looks like the benefits of being single (and i mean single as in not even loving any guy at all) is so great... Hmm... Worth thinking about...
YYY
Sunday, January 16, 2005
"Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow" -- Vonda Shepard
I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken? Do you say,
Do you say what you mean?
I want our love to last forever
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow
I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken?
Do you mean, do you mean what you say?
When you say our love could last forever
Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever
Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow
This song really reflects what i feel right now. If he simply doesn't feel for me as much as i think he does, then i think he should really tell me. It's really irritating to have someone tell you that he likes you and that he will be very upset if you're not around and then tell u later that he is unable to commit. I really feel like i'm dispensable to him. Yes, i know that no one in this world is indispensable but if i'm important enough to him, i should be able to feel like i'm indispensable. I also feel like he's leading me on. He doesn't really like me. He's telling me he likes me just so that he'll have a back up. JUST IN CASE he needs a date, JUST IN CASE he gets dumped by another girl, JUST IN CASE he feels that he needs someone to accompany him. I'm around to prepare him for JUST IN CASE situations... sighz~ That kinda feeling really sucks. Sighz~ like i told Alwin, if only my feelings were like notes, when they get messy, all u need to do is sort them out. Too bad my feelings are not notes. Well, like what alwin said, i just have to try harder to forget him then.
YYY
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Second post today... such a rare occurence. Well, guess with all that emotion see saw, this is not all that surprising. I seriously don't remember when was the last time i went through such emotional trauma.
1/16/2005
1:12:52 AM
YeEsH: btw, i show u the pic i took of alwin yest?? hahah~ mi thot i got a nice shot using his phone camera v seldom can get his pic one...
Ashuri: nope not interested
YeEsh: ... wanna show u my proud foto mah hahhah... n i talked so much abt alwin, u not interested in seeing his pic meh?
Ashuri: nope
YeEsh: hahaha mi v interested in seeing hw u two will behave infront of each other =P
Ashuri: sorry
YeEsh: okok... change topic.. can tell u not v interested in the topic
Ashuri: me not int the least interested
YeEsh:hahahah~ okok.. i get d idea
YeEsh: u sianz by the topic called "alwin" issit??'
Ashuri: yes............
YeEsh: hahah.. we talk abt smthg else den lorh...
Ashuri: cant see anything interesting abt him
Ashuri: or why i should be interested in him anyway
Ashuri: i rather play my game and ignore u right now
YeEsh: fine... play ur game den
(5 mins later)
YeEsh: btw, can i ask u smthg? y r u so cold towards mi these few days? r u angry w mi or wad?
Ashuri: no
Ashuri : i am not angry with u these few days or something
Ashuri: like i told u
Ashuri: i was busy
Ashuri: and to make things worse
Ashuri: i didnt get to play my game
Ashuri: and to sum up everything
Ashuri: i have like on avg 3 hrs of sleep a day for the last 4 days
Ashuri: so thats why i didnt feel like talking
Ashuri: but for tonight
Ashuri: u make me dont feel like talking to u
Ashuri: becoz of ur topic 'alwin'
Ashuri: which really doesnt interest me at all
YeEsH: i'm sorry
YeEsH: hw was i to noe wads gonna interest u??
Ashuri: and just pisses me off when i told u i am not interested at him in a single bit
Ashuri: anyway,apologies on my side as well
Ashuri: guess not having enough sleep makes one more hot-temper
YeEsH: hw was i supposed to noe wad interests u? all i wanted to do was to talk to u wad... how was i supposed to noe dat u only had 3 hours of sleep recently?? how was i supposed to noe dat u were busy?? was i supposed to read ur mind?? u told mi never to expect a guy to read my mind right?? den practise wad u preach... i'm sorry for disturbing u but all i wanted to do was to talk to u... forget it
Now, u tell me if i'm supposed to be glad that he got jealous abt alwin or should i be upset that he lost his temper at me? Sighz~
YYY
Friday, January 14, 2005
sighz~ today's been a really bad day. He's simply not in the mood to talk and i had to go ask him why he was so quiet... den it irritated him n i got irritated by how he behaved after receiving my msg because he got irritated. Sighz~ my fault or his fault? I really dunno... i messaged him cos i simply missed him. Was that wrong too? Sighz~Looks like me n him really not meant to be... n i really dunno wad he wants from me and what he wants out of our relationship(if we actually have a r/s in the first place)... Sometimes he acts like i'm the most important person to him and that without me he will be totally upset... n other times, he simply acts like i'm just another accquitance who doesn't understand him at all... he comes to me only when he feels like it... sighz~ Forget it... i'll jus hafta see how things go.
Luckily though today was a bad day, had huixia n alwin's company to cheer me up... stayed at sembawang shopping centre to study n the 3 of us ended up taking funny fotos~ that cheered me up enough i guessed... I finally managed to take a photo of alwin... a v nature smile on his face too~ Quite proud of it. Haha~ I should really join SMUsaic.. den i can take more fotos and also learn more about photography~
YYY
Thursday, January 13, 2005
ahhaha~ after 4 months plus of ignoring my blog, people, I'M BACK!!!
my fren advised me to start blogging again so well, sharon, HERE I AM!!!
n erm~ dat's all i hafta say... hahahha
YYY
